Your anxiety is the cost you have to bear every time you get out there and take a chance on someone. Not everyone is worth this cost.

I used to have severe anxiety when it came to dating. Meeting new people, waiting for text messages, confirming plans, not knowing where the relationship is going could hurt me physically.

Dating wasn’t fun. Dating was a constant battle of fighting all my ugly thoughts about myself, all my doubts about whether I was worthy of love, all my childhood memories of feeling left out and unloved, imprinted on every molecule of my body.

When the person I was dating showed signs of pulling away, I tensed up, I freaked out, I held on tighter, which only pushed them away further and, damn, did that hurt. Sometimes it hurt like my life depended on it. …

The dating pool is full of undateable people — either they don’t care, or they just don’t know it yet.

Are you wondering why modern dating is so painful and makes you want to punch everyone in the face? It’s because the dating pool is full of undateable people — either they don’t care, or they just don’t know it yet.

Thanks to technology, it’s easier than ever before to connect with someone and make something happen. But what that “something” turns out to be is subject to a number of factors. Even if you’re on a dating app that’s designed specifically for marriage-minded people, it’s not guaranteed that you will end up with a spouse.

It’s all up to the single people who participate in the dating market.

In other words, it’s all up to you. …

It’s the one thing no one can take away from you.

People often say self-love could solve your problems.

Well, imagine if you loved yourself for a minute.

If you loved yourself, when plans are canceled and promises are broken, the first thought that crosses your mind would not be whether you have done something wrong or not.

You would not feel inadequate and undeserving for being the way you are.

You would not desperately try to change yourself, even the bits that tell your story and remind you of your own root.

Every time you look into the mirror, you would not pick apart the precious body that was never born to need beautiful. Because it is so much more than that. It’s full of life and should be full of love. …

And other dating “rules” I’ve learned

Dating sounds like a fun activity, but it’s frustratingly hard.

There are so many things that can go wrong and so many people who have no idea what they’re doing. You make mistakes that you don’t even know exist while ignoring red flags that could have been spotted miles away.

I was no different.

During my younger years, I had absolutely no filters. My judgments were wonky. I was clouded by my emotions. I chose all the wrong people and hurt myself repeatedly.

In a nutshell, my love life was hell.

Luckily, I learned and I grew. Over time, I became evidently better at drawing boundaries and assessing my romantic partners. I realised that dating could be fun and rewarding if you know how to do it right. …

It changed my life. It can change yours too.

The wonderful thing about therapy is that it taught me to look at myself through a kinder lens. There was never any judgment in this space — only reflection and acceptance.

I told my therapist that I’d done a lot of crazy things I was ashamed of and regretted.

He asked me, “Why would you say it was crazy?”

I told him, “Well it’s because normal people don’t do that.”

He asked, “Who are the normal people? Who says you can’t do what you did? You did what you did because you were triggered. You were under the influence of your emotional stress. …

Relationships can be hard, but you know you have a choice.

One day you won’t have to be the only one holding on anymore.

You won’t have to engage in Whatsapp conversations that can leave you hanging at any message, making you wonder if you have said something wrong, if you could’ve done something better and be someone prettier.

You won’t have to snug into someone’s arms at midnight and tell yourself this is enough, one night or two is enough, 10 pm till 7 am is enough.

You won’t have to freeze time as they kiss you goodbye at the train station before work as it might be the very last kiss ever had between you two. …

It’s not going to happen.

Anyone who has gone through personal changes — be it habitual, lifestyle, or mindset — knows all too well that it’s not easy, let alone becoming a brand new person with different goals and outlooks.

Yet it’s not uncommon that, in the dating world, people expect others to change overnight — for them, no less — and suddenly become everything they’ve ever wanted.

Here’s a simple example.

You hit it off with someone new. They tell you they’re scared of love and not ready for a relationship.

In your mind, it’s a challenge that you can overcome.

You convince yourself you’re the exception — your beautiful relationship will make them realise that love is not so scary after all and dive all in with you. …

For a while, whatever was silenced in my waking hours haunted me in my dreams instead.

I went through a deeply traumatising break-up two years ago. It was the reason I went to therapy and transformed myself completely. My life was never the same again afterward — I’m deeply grateful.

But, you know, unlike all other break-ups I’d had, I never wrote about this one.

I was so distressed that I made every effort to erase it from my memory. No chat history, no photos, no emotional articles. Nothing. I said “fuck you” to closure and focused on moving on instead. It worked.

During the year I crawled out of the traumas, I hid my vulnerability from the world and embraced it quietly in the therapist’s office. I learned to keep my pain to myself. Even when I emailed my future self, my voice was tough — I wasted no time. There were no public articles of me cutting my heart open. …