Deep Down, You Already Know What You Want

But there’s a caveat.

Photo by Alba Rebecca on Unsplash

Before moving to the UK, I started a private journal.

I was 17 years old, about to uproot my life. Naturally, I had a lot going on in my mind, and I needed the space to be brutally honest with myself. It was self-therapy before I even knew what therapy was.

Thanks to these blog posts, now, I enjoy having a window into my past self. I’m pleasantly surprised by my maturity back then. But, perhaps, I sounded so wise and confident because I hadn’t actually seen much yet to know how wrong I could be. I had the hypotheses, but I didn’t have the evidence to support or disprove them. Oh, the bliss of ignorance.

I notice there was one thing I was crystal clear about even as a teenager: the type of man my future husband would be.

I wasn’t psychologically sophisticated like I am now, but my ideas of love have pretty much stayed the same. Somehow I had always known what I wanted. Yet, it didn’t seem like it at all when my love life in the following few years turned out to be a real mess. I had jumped through endless learning hoops to find myself exactly where I was.

How could it be?

Well, I have an idea.