Don’t Choose People You Can’t Love

Be honest with yourself.

Ellen Nguyen


Photo by Ryan Jacobson on Unsplash

You think you love them, but deep down, you want them to change.

You wish they could be more attentive, or generous, or emotional, or anything else.

When you’re faced with the evidence that they’re not who you want them to be, instead of walking away, you hold on and blame it on yourself.

You think — maybe you’re not good enough. Maybe if you’re just a bit better, they would be the person you want them to be. Maybe you’re even addicted to feeling unwanted.

Meanwhile, they don’t know what’s wrong yet.

They just know that no matter what they do, they can’t make you fully happy.

They register that being themselves is not enough for you.

So they withdraw.

But the more indifferently they act, the harder you cling to them— your low self-esteem, anxious attachment style, or past trauma immediately acts up.

You torture yourself with self-doubt and questions.

You conclude that it’s your fault. Your expectations must be too high. You should lower your standards. Either way, something about you is wrong.

You think, “Why can’t I have the person I love?”

But the truth is, you rejected them before you were even aware of it and long before they left.

They might not be able to articulate it but they could sense it. Anyone could.

Oftentimes, there isn’t a bond strong enough in the first place to inspire changes.

Fundamentally, It’s simple.

People want to be with people whom they can make happy. People want to be with people who see them and love them for who they are.

So do yourself a favour and be honest about what you want.

You have the power to pick and choose to whom you build a romantic attachment.

When you see signs of incompatibility, you need to have enough self-respect and self-esteem to say, “This is not right for me. I’m moving on,” without blaming yourself.



Ellen Nguyen

Freelance writer & digital creator | London based | Psychology BSc. Editor of, empowering women.