The Truth about Levelling up in Relationships

I didn’t level up to be worthy of love.

Ellen Nguyen


Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Once upon a time, I thought if I could become less emotional, have a cooler job, make more money and lose a few pounds, I’d finally be loved.

To the younger me, the point of levelling up was about becoming worthy of love.

When a guy liked me and stopped liking me, I believed it was something I did. It was something about me. I was the reason.

I must’ve been too emotional, too anxious, too crazy, and that made me unworthy of love.

So, if I could change, the outcome would be different, regardless of who the person I dated was.

If I could change, they wouldn’t pull away. They would be crazy for me. We would end up together.

Now, as a more mature person, I see very clearly that this thinking was flawed.

There are two variables in the equation. Me and the other person.

I always assumed “the other person” was a fixed variable while I was the changeable one. They were “just the way they are” while I was wrong and needed to be fixed.

The reality is that both variables are changeable and responsible for the outcome of the relationship.

They were wrong for me just as much as I was for them.

If I had changed, I wouldn’t have chosen them.

In fact, when I did change, I didn’t choose them.

I thought they weren’t good enough for me.

When I changed, I wanted a different kind of man.

A man who doesn’t make me want to change but, instead, makes me want to be more of me because I love me now.

And I met him shortly after I took action to level up.

It’s been three years and I can say with full confidence that my husband is amazing and he treats me like the best thing that has ever happened to him.

Did my levelling up lead to this outcome?

Probably. But I was still emotional and anxious and had “crazy” moments when I met him. The difference was that I stopped seeing it as a fault.



Ellen Nguyen

Freelance writer & digital creator | London based | Psychology BSc. Editor of, empowering women.